I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
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She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them