Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.