Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”