[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.