casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!