At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper