“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Ah yes. The three genders
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful