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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I can’t deal with men any longer
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by