How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
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when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Ion see the issue
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.