Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Spa day..😅
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…