[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.