Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Lmao
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.