ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
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“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?