I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I feel seen.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
They’re not wrong
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic