Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
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With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less