New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
You Might Also Like
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Doggies just call it style.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“HELP WITH CAT”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO