Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
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i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Why font matters.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life