Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Meat Cute
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?