Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.