[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.