I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Breaking news:
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving