DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
this is the news I live for
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things