Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda