My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.