god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
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Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
ok this is my dumbest yet
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”