Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Care for your back
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”