My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
You Might Also Like
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.