Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.