Ladies, why y’all do this?
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”