Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
What?!?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
and now we wait
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is