I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
No way!
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.