Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
me when I see my crush
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
😂🤣😂🤣
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong