No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
You Might Also Like
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware