Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
kitchen magnet
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive