I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Go hard or stay average
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.