“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza