Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
was Jim off killing horses or…
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Rambo Rambow
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born