I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.