If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.