Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
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“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I saw this ending much differently.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider