Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it