Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill