Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
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“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
we all know this pain all too well