me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
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[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.