It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
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*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Doggies just call it style.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.