My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
new record!
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
🤣🤣💀
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.