Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD