Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
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Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”