Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it