LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck